Where does a girl start? It’s a brave place, (my girl energy that will share now), an open offering for all, but I am letting you know this is taking courage for me to show you, to be vulnerable, who I am.
I am aware to know I am pure absolute… and this is my story.
So I have always had the belief I am of no value. This came about maybe from my start in life, I was adopted at the age of 5 months. The impact of the separation from mama was the engrained belief – There must have been something very wrong with me for that to have happened. In all the research – over 25 years, I have studied informs that when the child tries to make sense of what happened, they will mostly always decide it is their fault. A defect. So I spent most of my adult life firstly believing I was unloveable. Since the age of 22, I began healing work on myself. Self help books, the first being Louise Hays’, You can heal your life, this book had a huge impact on me at 22, “You’ve got to learn to love yourself” was the main theme,this infuriated me, I had no idea how to do this.
Louise advised affirmations, I am lovable, loving and loved, my brain thought I was a liar, there would then be a war in my head intensifying the original beliefs, which were the opposite- I’m a freak, I’m unloveable etc…
I then got into buddhism, I read the Tibetan Book of living and Dying, this one was the one that woke me up. I began to realise this reality of life was all a perception, a projection of my thoughts and beliefs, and that every action had a perfect and loving reaction. Things began to slowly change. Without going into my whole journey, I spent the rest of my twenties experiencing loveless relationships, mostly because somehow I couldn’t connect with myself and accept that my needs and feelings were ok to have and that they might be lovely feelings and worthy of being heard.
I actually think somewhere along the way women have misunderstood the difference between being needy and sharing your feelings. Not acting them out. Being somehow in a space of knowing they have some value and also owning them, and that having needs is ok, infact it’s a very human. I’m 46 and its taken this long for me to begin to honour them.
Back then I hid them from men and would somehow pretend I was ok, I was independent, I would ask nothing of them and feel devastated when it didn’t work out. There was no soul connection, as I hid what I was feeling and therefore who I was.
Again research does state that adoptees find it difficult to have intimate relationships due to trust, and it is challenging, I do get triggered, I have to be vigilant, and really take care of myself.
So here’s the bit I guess you single people may wanna know, firstly – who knows when the time is perfect to find love, and what works for one, may not work for another. I did decide though with every fibre of my being that I was ready to find intimate lasting love and I gave my heart and soul to it.
I began by asking my close family to pray for me, I heard through the Kundalini Yoga tradition as taught by Yogi Bhajan, bless his soul that there was a prayer called So Purkh- meaning The Primal One, that had been given by Guru Ram Dass the 4th Sikh Guru, the Guru of the heart, for a woman to find a God loving husband. Now when a yogi speaks of god- we mean love. We mean absolute love. To find a man who wants to love, love a woman deeply, love his family, his community and himself. That means a man who wants to learn to self improve, to grow, evolve, to awaken from his limits. Not much to ask. The prayer was also to heal all past relationships with men, as well as men in the family, male friends and past life karmas and for all the masculine on the planet. So I was doing everyone a favour! It was in Gurumuki, a derivative of Sanskrit, and every word was an unfamiliar word to me,that I had to listen to over and over again. It took me 6 months to learn the whole stanza. I also at the same time, joined an online dating site, asked friends, who some I think had told me I was too fussy, to look out for me, I knew I had to take action. And action I took.
With this cosmic ordering thing there are elements to consider.
- You have to believe it to see it. (This was so challenging as my consciousness had no proof as yet.)
- Start to take action, now it won’t arrive in the way you think, but show willing to the universe.
- Go for it even when you tell yourself it won’t change or shift. The invisible work is happening.
- Repetition, this creates a spiritual heat called Tappas, not the stuff you eat but an energetic fire, Jap, meaning to repeat. Over and over until your mind unconscious, conscious catches up with what you want. Really, this is the key, Jap Jap Jap. Practise.
- Finally let go. Trust, Faith, curiosity to gently navigate yourself through the highs and the lows but do not give up.
As I progressed I went on some super hysterical dates and met some amazing men, I was starting to really like men, before that I had always felt they were another species that I had nothing to relate to, I began to get more attention, and affection from men, it was delightful.
Then a mutual friend of my now partner Wayne bumped into me one day and mentioned we might be a good fit, well we started to talk on the Facebook wonder, and when I saw his face, I had such a strange feeling. No attachment, or fear, just a deep knowing that I would meet this man one day and that was it. Months later after a few conversations he said he was reading this book “Call off the Search” that Waynes friend Danielle Marchant had recommended, By Anna and Andrew Wallas, a love story all about how these two people got together, the book was around the idea of how we avoid intimacy as it makes us vulnerable, and as humans we protect our ego from vulnerability / pain at any cost. I read the book, so excited to be talking with a man who was considering all of this.
Time passed and one day he emailed me asking would I be interested in joining him in London ( He’s from Cornwall) to participate in a workshop run by Andrew Wallas The Modern Day Wizard, called Intimacy or Independence! OMG I felt so blessed, what a first date.
Wayne came to London and stayed with me, our mutual friend gave us dinner and the moment I saw him I felt an ease and attraction.
The course was amazing, infact any workshop Andrew Wallas does is amazing, while there, before anything happened really I felt immense rivers of love in my heart, like I’d never felt and again I felt so still and centred. I guess because of the course material we were given these tools, or points of reference from which to communicate, and I just found myself for the first time with a man, speaking my truth, my feelings.
It was so intense, I’d start thinking a thought, or feeling a fear, and then I’d get this surge in my heart, as though I would burst if I didn’t say it. Then I would say it and Wayne would smile, as though it was music to his ears to hear the truth of what a woman felt.
From that weekend, we continued to share, to talk and he was always so surprising in that he always called, always connected, wanted to hear my thoughts and fears, wanted to learn and grow together.
It has been the most healing transformational experience, to love and be loved in return.
I sometimes feel this comes across as cheesy, but for me when I believed most of my adult life that love was not for me, this love has brought such joy.
I do believe we can change, even the most rigid of beliefs, my teacher Yogi Bhajan said “There is a way through every block”. In fact these blocks are the diamonds that create our character and help us to feel the gratitude and blessings of life and to have empathy for others.
So Thank you. Thank you Guru Ram Dass and Yogi Bhajan, Fiona Smith, Andrew Wallace and Danielle Marchant and all my friends and family and Wayne, and of course my beautiful self.